Bill H (muttonman21)

Remember that scene from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle where those two college gals play a game of "Battleshit"? That small scene was more closer to the actual board game than this two-and-a-half hour nonsense. First thing first, Battleship is nothing like the board game aside from projectiles that look like the peg pieces and a kinda elaborate way of incorporating its gameplay in one sequence. The movie is a Transformers rip-off, and that's scary to know that Michael Bay is actually influencing Hollywood filmmakers. Scorsese, [early] Coppola, Kubrick, Welles, Hitchcock? Feh! Who needs these old farts? Bay will now be taught in film school and put as a prerequisite for film classes and up-and-coming filmmakers.

Battleship also bears a striking resemblance to last year's boring action flick entitled Battle: Los Angeles. Instead of Marines, we've got the Navy battling aliens who just show up outta nowhere after receiving an open invitation from Earth to play a game of Battleship. Like how Battle: LA was a movie that felt like watching a Marine recruitment video, Battleship feels like we're watching a Navy recruitment video. And both movies have the word "battle" in their title. This movie does seem to feature actual Navy veterans, not to mention the ships and whatnot. Nothing against the Navy but a few times I kept thinking, "Seriously?" and shaking my head in disbelief, especially at a climactic scene where... oh, I don't wanna spoil it for you but you'll know it when you see this movie; it's so cheesy that it's kinda enjoyable.

Unlike Battle: LA, we actually get to know a few characters. We've got the guy from John Carter who's a hotheaded douche that gets recruited because of the events that transpired during the opening scene (which I admit was kinda funny), and gets the babe (some blonde). There's also Liam Neeson as the babe's father... and he's also admiral (Neeson just sporadically pops up here and there, so it kinda sucks that he's not the lead because if he was the lead than this movie would've been a whole lot better). Then there's also singer pop star Rihanna as the tough chick. Rounding out the cast are a bunch of nobodies and stock characters. The enemies are bearded aliens decked out in Halo armor.

So the game begins after scientists send out a message to an Earth-like planet in hopes of finding more intelligent life out there, and aliens--who have mastered space travel but can be easily defeated by conventional weapons including hand-to-hand combat--respond. The movie, as you predict, is a series of explosions, battle of wits, forced and hackneyed dialogue that'll make you wince, Coke Zero advertisements, and a bajillion unanswered questions and plot holes...

I got what I expected I guess. It's a movie for little guys and teenagers and big fans of the Bay Transformers movies, however even I'm skeptical as to how much of this demographic will actually enjoy Battleship. It's a garbage film but for some reason I feel bad for disliking it because it does a great job of trying to make you care for the Navy and all their services and duties both past and present. It's like when you're watching TV sitcoms and then commercials about abused pets and starving kids suddenly pop up to instill a bit of reality during your own self-proclaimed break from reality. I dunno... I guess all this patriotism was too heavy and close to home that the filmmakers dare not put the "You sunk my battleship!" line anywhere in the movie. Why so serious, movie?

Do I regret seeing it? Not really. It is what it is. I got what I expected and then got a few surprises, too--The whole part with the Navy I was like, "Whoa! When did this movie get serious?" Dunno if that's good or bad. I'm mostly mixed on this one. But I don't regret seeing it. Doesn't mean I recommend it. I guess if you wanna pass the time, sure? If you hate Michael Bay movies, then just stay away. If you sense this is gonna be a stinker then trust your feelings and listen to your heart. Why did I see this in the first place? Hey, I'm the movie guru... I have no heart. Or do I...? Ah shit, I'm stuck in a loop. In short, one viewing was good enough.

(though it's more of a 2011 release, I'm considering it a 2012 release)

One of two Keira Knightley movies that never saw a proper US theatrical release and instead only arrives on DVD; the other was Last Night which I reviewed a few months back. I thought Last Night was pretty good. Depressing, formulaic, predictable, but still effective. London Boulevard was the one I was looking forward to. C'mon, the writer of The Departed making his directorial debut in another crime movie, and starring two exceptional leading actors... Can't go wrong with that, right? Well take a wild fucking guess!

This movie fuckin' sucked. My main beef is the audio. God, this movie has shitty mixing. The dialogue is so quiet and/or is drowned out by the music. Every word is garbled, mumbled, inaudible. So for anyone curious, be sure to hit the subtitle button (or closed captions)... because I didn't, so I'm kinda left in the blue about plot and character. But if you've seen Carlito's Way, you've seen London Boulevard.

Anyway, some dude (Colin Farrell) gets released from prison and tries going legit but the crime underworld keeps calling him back in unexpected ways. And these "unexpected ways" are just that. They're just there for convenience; there's no reason for the movie to have 'em. I mean yeah, I get the whole "once you're in, you never get out" motif but this movie handles it poorly that it just becomes contrived because the writer can make it so. He's got two friends; a dirtbag friend and a bum. Why he hangs with these two douchebags is a mystery yet these "connections" only land him in more trouble than whatever landed him in prison in the first place. The dirtbag friend is basically channeling Sean Penn from Carlito's Way but without any hint of believability; the bum is just a contrived character. I see no reason why Colin Farrell would befriend him except maybe to show his more human side but if that was the case why is he... y'know what? Fuck it. Let's continue.

He also has a slutty sister who for some reason doesn't take him seriously, or doesn't believe that he actually was a crook. Didn't she know that he was in prison?? How stupid can this person be?!

His only real outlet is when he considers working as muscle for a recluse actress. He's hesitant, then goes along with it, then falls for her, then wants to leave because he's tangled up in some bad stuff. And this is where the lovely Keira Knightley makes her appearance, looking fresh off the set of Never Let Me Go (one of 2010's best films). Her total screentime is severely limited that her part may have just been a cameo.

The bad stuff comes in the form of a gay Ray Winstone, who's dialogue is so inaudible that you definitely need to turn on the subtitles to hear whatever the fuck he has to say; I think one part involved him cutting off a dude's head while he was fucking him. Turning up your TV doesn't help much either. Believe me, I tried. I still feel stupid for not turning on the subtitles in the first place because supposedly there's some witty dialogue in there somewhere but I didn't hear it and when I did I didn't laugh or think, "That's cool." And this movie was touted as being cool and slick and stylish but there's none of that. It's straightforward, contrived, and bland as hell.

The movie's characters are the weakest. Might be cultural differences but common sense seems to be absent from everybody here, aside from Keira Knightley. Ignoring the fact that I couldn't hear what the hell anybody was saying about 60% of the time, these people are stupid, clueless, and big time failures. It's a wonder how a few manage to live and/or die. It's a wonder how Colin Farrell's character gets caught up in all this shit.

This movie is just one big clusterfuck and a total ripoff of Carlito's Way. You're better off watching that classic once again. Or if you want something a tad modern, watch In Bruges (one of the best films of the last decade), which also starred Colin Farrell in a more human role amidst a crime world. Oh, and I saw that the bloody Yakuza flick Outrage is out, and I too recommend that one. Skip this movie.