Worst Movies Ever

  1. danperry17
  2. Daniel

The unforgiveably bad, in no particular order... except fro the top two, they were God awful.

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  danperry17's Rating My Rating
Van Helsing 2004,  PG-13)
Van Helsing
This might be the worst movie I have ever seen.
The Next Best Thing 2000,  PG-13)
An American Werewolf in Paris 1997,  R)
An American Werewolf in Paris
You can pinpoint the exact moment where Tom Everett Scott's career ends: right... ... ...there! Such a waste of Julie Delpy's talent, too.
From Hell 2001,  R)
Labyrinth 1986,  PG)
So it turns out that I might be the only person in the world that thought this movie was a gigantic piece of crap. A generous two stars for the comfort brought by platitudes, and for inventive and imaginative sets and shots, but seriously, this is, at best, just over an hour and a half of David Bowie dicking around with muppets in a go-nowhere commercial that his music, long-abandoned by his early fans, desperately needed. Between Henson, Lucas and Bowie, barely a shred of their supposed genius came through in this one, but if you like to be able to take one simple truth away from a movie, then sure, learn your lesson: be careful what you wish for. There, you've seen the whole thing, the end.

Of note, though, is the coming of age dimension of the story - learning that one's possessions are all junk compared to what's really important. It's a good point and a heart-warming scene, but it's just not enough to save this... ahem... classic?
Changing Lanes 2002,  R)
Valley Girl 1983,  R)
Valley Girl
A complete train-wreck that had just enough ridiculously brutal and melodramatic scenes (not to mention clumsy and accidental sexism and racism) to get me through to the end, asking "how much worse can this get?" the whole time. Valley Girl is a laugh riot, though I can't imagine that being its intention. It's a curious artifact and one that sadly I can foresee being remade one day (as all the truly terrible movies are), and while the performances by Cage, Forrest and Elizabeth Daily are decent, they aren't even close to enough to save this one. Tons of fun, though - if you can stop laughing long enough to hear the next terrible line! The soundtrack makes it watchable, but still, it's one for nostalgia buffs only.
View from the Top 2003,  PG-13)
View from the Top
A bad movie that's not without its good moments, but one that just clunks along from head-scratcher to head-scratcher. Mike Myers's character is quite funny, and Gwyneth Paltrow does ok, but they have nothing to work with.
Beautiful Girls 1996,  R)
Beautiful Girls
Think of The Deer Hunter. Now remove the war, likeable characters and anything interesting ever happening. What you're left with is Beautiful Girls: a slice-of-life attempt at nostlagic/romantic comedy (or something) wherein, despite everyone being back in town to go to the high school reunion, the characters don't think or talk about it the whole way... then don't even get there in the end (I'll leave the reasons out of it, not to avoid spoiling it, but because they're notably lame).

This movie is barely watchable. The musical interludes between scenes are annoyingly long, the drama feels contrived (though not as much as the "heartwarming" moments including the gruelling full-cast sing-along to Sweet Caroline), and I didn't care about any of the characters. Rosie O'Donnell running her loud mouth? Imagine... I think she's playing herself. (There's a reason I don't watch The View...) Even Uma Thurman couldn't save this bland script filled out by a particularly lifeless Matt Dillon and Mira Sorvino, the untalented Lauren Holly, the more-one-dimensionally-annoying than ever Michael Rappaport and the very, very, very poor (think homeless) man's John Travolta, Timothy Hutton. (When you're a clone of someone who already sucks, it's bad, Tim.)

If Natalie Portman's performance can break away from the rest of the cast AT THE AGE OF 14, there's something wrong... Though it might sell itself as an "ensemble cast", it's little more than a support group excercise for B-list actors. They spent all their money on song rights, too many sets and one good actor (Thurman), and as a result, I don't think they could afford any writers.

While it wasn't without its moments, the most interesting thing about this film is that it wasn't a made-for-TV movie. Simply awful.
Along Came Polly 2004,  PG-13)
Fool's Gold 2008,  PG-13)
Fool's Gold
In the same vein as AVP, even Spud (from Trainspotting) could not save this film. Basically, this film was watched as a competition: confined to a plane for eight hours, my travel companion and I passed the sole pair of headphones that we owned between us on a tap-out basis, when we could no longer "gut ourselves" laughing at the degree of awfulness of this movie. To call it a waste of celluloid would be a compliment bigger than if it won Best Picture. I won't dignify it with specific comments, it's that bad.
The Bone Collector 1999,  R)
Six Days, Seven Nights 1998,  PG-13)
Black Dog 1998,  PG-13)
Black Dog
With apologies to Andy Micak, I defy all of Flixster to find a Swayzier movie than this: it's worse than road house. How did Swayze EVER get work??

This is arguably the funniest movie ever made, but you're not supposed to be laughing... particularly bad are the bit players drudged up from community theatre to play Swayze's wife, the Chief Investigator and loveable loser Wes. While the action sequences were bearable - and thank god this movie was mostly action sequences - it is probably the worst-acted movie ever made... when Meat Loaf turns in a film's strongest performance, you're in serious trouble.
About a Boy 2002,  PG-13)
About a Boy
Empire Records 1995,  PG-13)
Empire Records
NOTHING HAPPENS. Might be the dumbest movie ever made.
The Lost World - Jurassic Park 1997,  PG-13)
The Lost World - Jurassic Park
A decent performance by Julianne Moore and a rather good one by Jeff Goldblum are equally wasted in this one, which is quite possibly one of the worst sequels ever made.

The first 45 minutes or more of the movie are spent grasping at straws in an effort to establish continuity between the two films, and instead of a suspense building exposition of several plotlines, we have a narrative that really goes nowhere important. Say it simply: there was a B-site, now we go to the B-site, where there are dinosaurs.

Trying to capitalize on the success of the child characters in the first one, Spielberg included Ian Malcolm's (Jeff Goldblum's) daughter with disastrous results. Memo to Spielberg: it's about dinosaurs - not about absentee father figures!

The second half of the film is all action, but the first half built up such minimal anticipation that there was really nothing to watch it for by that point save for Vince Vaughn, who played a supporting character quite well in one of his biggest early roles. But when you're watching an actor for the "what he was like before he was really famous" factor, it becomes pretty obvious: you're watching a pretty bad movie.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen 2009,  PG-13)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Not only is it among the worst sequels I've ever seen, the second Transformers is among the worst films I've ever seen, and is near the top when it comes to the biggest drop-offs between consecutive films in a series. I'm not sure exactly what the first Transformers had that Revenge of the Fallen didn't, but in hindsight, it seems to be entirely this: novelty. And while the human story - Sam's wacky parents and his unlikely romance with Mikaela - added charm in the first film, here it just bogged things down. So did all the explaining that took place in the film's latter half. Now throw in an ill-advised "mom's on pot brownies" sequence and some racist-as-the-crows-in-Dumbo additions to the toy collection - er, I mean, cast - and what you get is a real clunker: it's as dizzying and explody as anything else Michael Bay's done, but there's just too much CGI battling in this one, and next to no organic energy from the plot. By my count, I was only interested in what was going on for about 25 minutes, around the hour mark. I'll still watch the third installment, and I'll hold on to my good memories of the first one (i.e., I'll not risk watching it again), but yikes: the magic in this series blew up with the All Spark.

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