Among the upper echelon of classic monsters, including Frankenstein and Dracula, there is one member that just doesn?t make the grade: the Mummy. As far as threats go, a rotting corpse wrapped up in gauze is pretty far down the list. Sure, there?s the curse of the Mummy?s tomb to worry about, but as long as you keep your hands off his sarcophagus you should be fine. Aside from that mystical curse, there?s little a mummy can do besides chase you (slowly) around until his wrappings get caught in a door and unravel in a comical fashion. And the best part about a Mummy is that they?re dumb. They do have their brains pulled out through their noses before getting wrapped up, after all.

Teen Wolf is a brave coming of age film that dispenses with all those nasty stereotypes about werewolves. Sure he?s hairy and has fangs, but Teen Wolf is just like you and I were in high school. Of course, that means he?s also the wimpiest werewolf imaginable, unless you?re on the basketball court with him. The guy?s got mad hoops.

Once in a great while a decent Zombie movie will roll around, but for most of their existence it has been rare. Usually it?s the same old story: a small group of survivors freak out as slow moving, easily avoidable, brain-craving Zombies stumble in their general direction. If you want to see if you could survive a Zombie attack, just hang outside a bar at last call, announce you have a bottle of vodka to the drunkards flowing out, and then try to make an escape. If you survive, congratulations, you could survive Zombies just as easily.

Dolls are frightening. Psycho killers are frightening. And small freckled redheads are most certainly frightening. So when you first see Chucky, of course he is a horror to behold. He looks like a killer Danny Bonaduce, only slightly taller and less insane. But once you get past the visual, Chucky is incapable of doing anything that a rambunctious child couldn?t pull off. We all knew kids that could have snapped at any moment and killed a teacher with a ruler, didn?t we? If Chucky comes at you with a knife, here?s a word of advice: kick him in the face! He?s two feet tall! I guess the real threat is that he can survive anything (including two movies with Jennifer Tilly), but that just means you?ll have to kick him some more.

Pazuzu (while possessing the body of his adolescent host Regan) is not a lovely sight to behold. And certainly his words and actions will offend. But for being a supremely powerful demon, he sure doesn?t do much. Oh sure, there?s the projectile vomiting and the touching of naughty parts with the crucifix, but we could see that on a reality show about Courtney Love. This demon is all talk when it comes to messing with the living. Making gross faces and thrashing about in the bed is more entertaining than threatening. Pazuzu becomes more of an annoyance than an actual threat, just hoping to bother people until they kill themselves apparently.

These Jolly Green Giant lookalikes managed to travel across the galaxy from an unknown planet in order to invade earth and terrorize Mel Gibson, but are still the dumbest aliens ever to grace the silver screen. Once they arrive here, they are quickly thwarted by one of man?s greatest technologies: the door. They scratch underneath and try their best, but there?s just no way these aliens can manage to breach a standard wooden door. Do they not get Law and Order in their saucers? A swift kick will do it, E.T. Not only that, they have one fatal flaw in their well-thought out invasion of earth. You see, they are hurt by water. Good old H₂0. So of course they chose to invade a planet that is 70% covered with the stuff. How can you take seriously an alien threat that is so poorly thought out? The dialogue in the movie, on the other hand, is indeed terrifying.

The Leprechaun has many of the same size issues as the ones that deflate Chucky's threat level, so no need to go over those again. And by all accounts the Leprechaun should be a much bigger threat. He has magical powers of all sorts and will come at you like a Keebler elf from a cookie shop in hell if he catches you even looking at his pot o? gold. But there is one thing holding him back: his obsession with shoes. The little fella can be distracted from any devious task with a pair ? he might as well have been cast in Sex and the City. Of course, he isn?t out shoe shopping. No, he instead has to obsessively shine any shoes that come his way. So the next time you need to escape the grasp of a diminutive Irish monster (no, not Danny Bonaduce) and need your loafers shined up for a big meeting, you?re in luck.

These wild little buggers are the definition of monsters that annoy rather than threaten. They have sharp teeth and claws, but never put them to much use. Instead they just spawn like rabbits (very, very annoying rabbits) and wreak havoc in various comical ways. It?s like having 200 tiny Robin Williamses running around your building, bouncing off the walls and trying to be funny. They continue to pump more and more of themselves out, but aside from property damage they don?t commit too many unforgivable crimes. Except for excluding Judge Reinhold and Corey Feldman from the sequel. That?s just rude.

How often do you sit around during the day with your mouth hanging open? Not too often, I?m assuming, unless you?re an opera singer or a fish. So that alone really cuts down the threat of slithers. You see, these disgusting, slug-like creatures survive by shoving themselves into your mouth and infecting you with alien DNA or something. All I know is, if it gets down your throat, you?re on the fast track to deformed alien creature city. However, if you can?t keep an overgrown slug from squirming into your gaping maw, then you deserve it. How hard can it possibly be to keep a cow-tongued-looking creature from parting your lips and making your innards its home sweet home? At least the face huggers from Alien had little legs!

An entire man made out of marshmallows does not sound like a very scary prospect. But how about a towering, gigantic man made out of marshmallows? No, you?re right. Still not very scary at all. For all the freaking out that the Ghostbusters do when the Marshmallow Man shows up for the movie's climactic finale, he never does anything deserving of any concern. They choose to destroy him with their proton packs, but you get the impression that a single Bic lighter would have been enough to fend this big softy off. The biggest problem he causes is when he explodes at the hands of Dr. Venkman and his buddies and coats the surrounding block with a tasty mess. Too bad Gozer didn?t send giant graham crackers and chocolate bars as well. There?s no way to celebrate a supernatural smackdown like s?mores.