What kind of movie to pick?

Avoid movies with "fat" in the title. Also "chubby," "chunky" and "hefty." People have issues, you know. (Films starring Chow Yun Fat are okay.) Likewise, that's a no on anything with "bulimia" in the title.

Which reminds me--don't pick a movie that points up other personal flaws, like The Incredible Hulk if you're not that bright, The Mummy if you're not that young, Journey to the Center of the Earth if you're not that deep.

What kind of restaurant to avoid like the plague?

All you can eat. Way too much tension. You are being watched. What are you eating and how much? You don't want the manager yelling at you for inhaling all the shrimp and none of the breadsticks? You want to face a knife-wielding phalanx of cooks blocking the dessert cart? The delicate balance between getting your money's worth and being a pig--nobody's licked that yet, and a date's no time to try.

(Besides porn) what kind of movie should you never go to on a first date?

Like a presidential candidate's choice for a vice-president, the movie you choose for a first date says all sorts of things about you. Are you a Dark Knight A Hellboy? An African Queen? Are you an Incredible Hulk, or just a Hulk? Are you Wanted? See what I mean? Choose carefully. Watch out for sex-laden R-rated films. You don't want to look too interested, but you also don't want to look like you could take it or leave it. You can't ? I know you.

What kind of movie eats men alive on a second date?

The action-adventure film. Surprised? Think about it. First date you went to that squishy thing about the girl who got her feelings hurt and then she found out it was all a misunderstanding and the guy was really trying to protect her because he loved her so much, blah blah, so second date you figure it's your turn, and drop a couple ten-spots for an intergalactic war saga where the cyborgs bleed cool, cucumber-green ooze, but it's hard to enjoy the film when your date's rolling her eyes and sighing like a steamboat and doing that "I'm sticking my finger down my throat in a gesture that indicates I'm inducing vomiting" thing. Not to go philosophical on you, but remember this, Grasshopper: dating is not a democracy. There is no taking turns. You don't get one cyborg-laden sci-fi movie for every one of her romances. She gets it all. Don't cry. Nobody likes to see a grown man cry. Especially not on a second date. Buy some ice-cream and rent Chocolat ? you'll feel better.

Later on in the relationship, is it okay to just make sweaty, pulse-pounding love, and then watch something on TV?

Yes.

Who picks the movie? Who picks the food? Who picks at their food?

Women pick everything. It's fun to play the charade that as a male you have free will, but behind the scenes she's steering you to exactly where she wants you to go. Enjoy the ride and keep repeating, "I have no control, I have no control."

Movie before dinner or after? Is the Early Bird Special a better deal than the Bargain Matinee?

How old are you, anyway? But seriously, this is a trick question. Go to the Bargain Matinee, then the Early Bird Special. If your date questions this, merely mention that you like to keep your evenings free to find a cure for childhood cancer.

Food before a film is an entirely different dynamic than food afterwards. If you're not sure of your date, do the movie first. If he/she snores/snorts, talks to the characters on the screen, explains the plot out loud, wolfs down popcorn like nobody's business, then it's best to know this before you waste time and money on dinner. A polite, "That was a great movie, now I have to go home and cure childhood cancer" will suffice. If, on the other hand, your date makes it through the "darkened room with complete strangers" test without committing a felony, the meal afterwards comes with a tailor-made topic of conversation: the movie.

When you know your date better, a meal before the film is just the thing. In the dark, you can undo your belt, lean back and relax. Just remember to re-buckle before the credits roll, so when you stand up you're not the sequel.

What about messy food?

We all enjoyed that scene in Tom Jones where they devoured their supper like they were devouring each other, but on a real-life date you should avoid the ribs, lobsters, crabs and Sloppy Joes. (In fact, to be safe, avoid any food with "sloppy" in its name.) Rule of thumb: if it comes with a bib, mallet, tongs, pliers or power tools, don't order it. There's no way to look cool flipping a crab-leg halfway across the room. Exception: Ethiopian food. Sure, it's eaten with the fingers, but with clean hands and decent coordination, you'll be fine. And Ethiopian food has been scientifically proven to be an effective aphrodisiac!

Should I get beer or wine with dinner?

Neither, not if you're going to a movie afterwards. And you know why...

After the movie, drink up--nobody's going to stop you. I said I knew you, didn't I?

What about reservations?

We all have doubts, but it's a good idea to call ahead and get a table at the restaurant. It's not necessary at most movie theatres unless it's that bat movie.

Who should pay?

This question has gotten a whole lot easier now that movie prices have risen to about the cost of your average snooty "tie-required" restaurant. You pick up the movie tickets, your date can grab the dinner.

Hint: if you stand outside the theatre exit and walk in backwards against the tide of leaving moviegoers from the previous show, you don't have to pay at all! Be aware, however, that if your date goes along with this, studies have shown that he/she is fourteen times more likely to later crawl out the restaurant's bathroom window and leave you with the check.

What about eating at the theatre?

Technically, according to the U.S. Agriculture Department, nothing at a movie-theatre snack-bar can actually be called "food." Popcorn is the closest thing before the butter-like additives, but remember, wasting corn for this purpose removes this valuable resource from ethanol production and lengthens the time we're dependent on fossil fuels. Under no circumstances do you want to eat the lone hot-dog rotating in that glass heater-box. This classic dates from the first Andy Hardy movie, tours movie theatres regularly, has won several special Academy Awards, and is essentially window-dressing. Moviegoers expect to see it there, so it lingers, like the gum under your seat or that ex-boyfriend sleeping on your couch.